After our eighth pregnancy loss nearly three years ago, David and I decided to take some much-needed time to rest and heal. We didn’t know how long this period of rest would be and we didn’t know if healing for us would ever result in a healthy pregnancy or baby, but were truly desperate for rest and for healing in our hearts we knew could only come from Him. We felt like we had been paddling on a raft all alone towards a dream for six years. We felt defeated, we were exhausted, and we didn’t want to make another move without knowing He was with us.
After a nearly two year break after our eighth loss, we were discovering what it looked like to truly rest in His presence with confidence in His plan for our story. I am reminded over and over that He is in the details, His ways are higher than our ways, and He is a God who brings beauty from ashes. As we spent more and more time with the Lord and in prayer, David and I experienced healing in our hearts and we both began to feel a stirring to ‘try again’, even though we still had no answers for our previous losses and no new medical treatment options to try. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By this definition, it would be fair to say we were insane to want to try again. But isn’t this the exact space God loves to work? David and I both felt a supernatural sense of peace to move forward because we knew God was with us. We didn’t know if we would get pregnant or end up with a baby, but somehow we knew deep down in our hearts that this was the direction God was leading our family and we were confident Jesus would be with us and that He was the one paddling this time.
The song, “Prophesy Your Promise” by Brian and Katie Torwalt has been so encouraging to my heart over the last couple of years. In the middle of our mess, our trials, our storms, and our battles, we can always find Him there and discover that He has truly been there all along. There’s a line in the second verse that says, “You set a table in the middle of my war- you knew the outcome of it all. When what I faced looked like it would never end, you said, ‘Watch the giants fall…’ ”
It is hard to believe we are in the final weeks of this pregnancy and we will be welcoming our sweet babies any day now. While some days I struggle with believing these babies will be here safe and healthy in my arms, I am learning to step deeper and deeper into peace and trust in God and the beautiful story He is writing. Just one year ago we were still in the middle of our war with recurrent pregnancy loss, facing the same familiar giants we had fallen to over and over and over again eight times before. There was no reason in the natural world for us to be able to hope again, other than a peace in our hearts we could receive only from Him. We could have never predicted that only a year later after deciding to try again that we would be just weeks or days away welcoming our miracle twins into the world.
He has known the outcome of our story all along. He has been writing it this whole time. In the midst of our 6 year journey with recurrent pregnancy loss, while our war was raging on, He was preparing a table for us to feast with Him and rest in His presence where we could watch every giant before us fall- without us ever having to lift a sword.
I am reminded of the passage in Matthew 8 when Jesus is found by his disciples sleeping in their boat during a raging storm. Like the disciples, I also felt the fear that Jesus was sleeping during my storm and that if He didn’t wake up and do something about it, that I would surely drown. It feels frustrating when it seems like God is preoccupied with taking a nap or setting a table when we are in the middle of a storm or a war. But in the middle of our war and storms, Jesus already knows the outcome and the battle is already won. I am learning to feast with Him in the midst of the battle and not allow my heart to be overtaken by fear. When we only see part of the story, we can hold onto the truth that He finishes every good work He begins in us.
In the middle of your war, remember that He is setting a table for you to feast with Him. He is inviting you to put down your sword and join Him at the table where you can get ready to watch the giants before you begin to fall. He will always follow through on His promise to bring beauty from ashes, because He really is that good.
If you are in the middle of your war, whether that’s infertility, recurrent pregnancy loss, pregnancy after loss, or something else entirely, I encourage you to find ways to press into Him and the rest and peace He is offering. Remember He is there with you and He knows the outcome and has known it all along.
When David and I began our two-year season of rest and healing, I found tremendous comfort in listening to the songs in my “Hope Playlist” over and over and over again, on repeat. If you are in need of a little bit of hope, I’ve linked the playlist below. I would love to connect with you personally and provide support to you, whatever you’re going through, and to help you find the courage to always hold onto hope no matter what your circumstances look like. Sign up below to connect with me and let me know how I can best support you on your journey.