Open Letter to My Babies

Sweet Little Ones,

It has been the greatest joy of my life to carry you now for 33 weeks. I am currently laying in my bed, soaking up each moment and cherishing your sweet little kicks and movements. I am so proud of you already. You are both learning to share, can recognize your mommy and daddy’s voice, practicing breathing, and strengthening your bones and muscles.

Baby girl, you are a busy bee already! I’ve heard babies in utero need lots of sleep, and sometimes I worry that you aren’t sleeping enough because you are wiggling around and kicking CONSTANTLY! I am praying daily for you. The world is changing (for the better) for women, but it can still be a hard and hurtful place. I’ve worked with women for 8 years who have endured horrendous abuse and tragedy, and I pray for protection for you. For your innocence. For your autonomy to make choices. For your self esteem and confidence in your beauty and purpose. I have yet to see you, but I can promise you that you are BEAUTIFUL. Exactly the way you are. I pray that I don’t pass my own insecurities onto you. I pray that I can be confident and secure in my own skin and to cease uttering anything negative about my own body. I know you will be watching and listening. I’m not sure what my body will look like after you are born, but I promise I will always love and honor it for the gift that it gave me by carrying you and your brother. I am praying for your fertility. Your grandmother, great grandmother, and I have all had fertility issues for unexplained reasons, and I am praying that the cycle ends with me. Whether or not you choose to have biological children (or any children at all!) one day is 100% your choice- and I promise you will have my support no matter what! Your worth and role in life is SO MUCH bigger than having babies! But I am praying that you would have the option if that’s something that you choose, and that your body would function perfectly and exactly as it was intended to. I am praying that you would be a woman who supports other women, an advocate for change, and have a fierce  heart of compassion and love for others around you. I pray that you always hold onto hope- hope in your own life and hope always in Jesus. Even when your life gets hard, I pray that your relationship with Christ gives you strength and a hope that can carry you through anything. I pray that you can share that hope with others, and that your life would always be a light in this dark world.

Baby boy,

You have your daddy’s restful, easy spirit already, even in utero! Sometimes I feel anxious when I feel your sister moving around and you are still- but your Daddy always reminds me that it’s healthy to rest. You are teaching me already to step into peace and rest- that whole chaos can feel exciting and even encouraging at time, learning to rest and trust in Him is an essential discipline. It’s hard for me to give up control sometimes, but little buddy you are doing just perfectly and are helping me to learn to let go, to trust you are doing exactly what you need to be doing (even if I can’t feel it), and to trust Him with you. I am praying every day for you and for the man you will be one day. You have an amazing father here on earth to look up to and to guide you, but I know you will be unique and that God has a special path and plan just for you. I pray you would have a heart to stand against injustice and create pathways for all to be equal. I pray you would never feel shamed for having emotions as a male- I pray you feel safe to cry, to mourn, to grieve, to hurt, and to process those feelings with your dad and I and also with others. I pray that you know deeply that you were created to feel every emotion and that you would learn to be aware of them and of emotions in others. I pray that you never feel the pressure to perform to earn love or affection. Your dad and I love you exactly as you are- it is not contingent upon your grades, your appearance, your athleticism, your musical ability, your thirst for adventure, your creativity, or anything! There is no pressure on you. You are a gift of abundance to us, our baby B, and I pray that you always feel an abundance of love from us and also from God. I pray that when your life gets hard that you would always be able to go back to a place of rest and peace in Him and His peace that surpasses all understanding. I pray that you will be filled with such an abundance of Him that others would feel it too. 

I love you two more than words could ever say. One day you will learn about the 6 year journey your dad and I took to get to you, but I want you both to know that there is no pressure on you. You don’t exist to make your dad and I happy, to be the answer to our prayers, or to ease the sting of loss we have felt. You exist to bring Him glory and we are excited to watch your paths unfold, whatever those may be. We are so grateful for you, but you don’t actually belong to us at all. You, and your siblings in Heaven, have always belonged to Him. I am praying for the Lord to help me to keep learning how to hold you with an open hand. It’s tempting for me to try to white-knuckle-grip you and try to find ways to keep you in a bubble to protect you. But I know that isn’t what He has for you, or for me. Know that I love you both and support you on whatever path He guides you to take. 

I love you both with all of my heart,

Mommy

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